For those who have listened to our podcast, and let’s face it, who bloody hasn’t (?), you’ll have picked up quite quickly that I know very little about NFL. Well very little when you compare it to my keeno mates JP, Greenie and Charlesy.
But I think I got into it before any of them. Greenie may try and claim he was out playing college football with Alshon Jeffery or something back in 2006, but he wasn’t – he was playing football with me in London. Badly.
Why NFL? For anyone who isn’t a fan, it’s a big question.
“it’s so boring”
“don’t understand any of it”
“it takes too long”
“are they stopping again?”
So below are a set of reasons why you should choose NFL. Basically pointless because anyone reading this not only already watches NFL, but does so to such an extent that they’ve come across our podcast, and beyond that bothered to read this drivel. Anyway. Send it to a mate who doesn’t like NFL. Send it to everyone. Make me rich.
- Doesn’t count now, but years ago there was nothing else to watch on TV that late. I can’t remember if I mentioned this on an episode, but I first started watching NFL because there was nothing else to watch late at night on TV. Literally gameshows, porn, or NFL. And gameshows are shite.
It’s fun to watch a sport you can never play. I hate the gym. That’s a lie. I’ve never been to a gym. I find the people that go moronic, boring and self-obsessed. Unless you’re JJ Watt or someone who needs to lose weight for health reasons, I’m not interested. You’ve got muscles, yep, well done. So basically, I could never play NFL. I can however play football, tennis and golf. Which I do. To an incredibly slightly above-average standard. But it’s always disappointing to not be brilliant at them when I watch so much of them live or on the TV. NFL though – never going to give it a go, so can’t disappoint myself.
The refs are funny. They all wear hats. And the main one wears a white one. I think. Just find it quite funny. He also presses a magic button that allows him to talk to the crowd. Quite cool really. Don’t get that in football.
The crowd are mental. People literally carry a massive D next to a picture of a fence. With no sense of irony. Mental.
Lots of teams can win. I know this is part bullshit because the Patriots always win. But I’m bored of the same few teams always winning the Premier League. I love that there are salary caps in place at NFL teams (good knowledge there). Just stops teams like Real Madrid from happening. Money plays a huge part in NFL but you can’t just buy the best players and form an insane best-of team. There’d be no Beatles Number 1s. Just lots of Beatles for Sale and I’m happy with that. No Reply is a great opener.
I hate going out. I just can’t be bothered. And especially not on a Sunday night. There’s nothing worse than someone trying to get you to go out on a Sunday night. It could be Jeff Buckley, back and for one night only, playing in a Kentish Town pub, and I’d just rather not have to. So the fact that NFL is on for hours upon hours on a Sunday evening means I can’t go out, because I have to watch it. Annoyingly the golf tournaments end on Sundays, so if anything, there’s too much to stay in for. How lucky is my wife?
I’m shit at small talk. Think of Larry David with more resentment for humankind. So if someone from the USA starts talking to me, I now have 1 thing to ask them – what team do they support? If they mention Baseball I’ll turn around, because that genuinely is awful.
No rolling around on the floor like footballers. Fed up of professional athletes crying when they get flicked in football. NFL players literally run into people’s knees with their heads and they love it. I’m less lad’y than Grayson Perry, but even I can appreciate that.
The Super Bowl. I mean it’s ridiculous. But I kind of like the way it’s unashamedly mental and uncool. They’ll get the biggest popstar on the planet involved, throw shit loads of money at it. Not give a shit about it being classy. Just make it big. Oh and the adverts. As a man who used to work in advertising, how can you not love the absurd efforts brands go to – it’s actually funny. I mean good on them. Why not. The whole thing is bananas.
Purposely not written 10 there just to be annoying.
If I had written a tenth, it would have been Brits In The End Zone. Because whilst you still can’t not love the podcast, it probably does help if you’ve watched some NFL before. And we’re basically doing some pretty ground-breaking stuff.
So that’s it. That’s my piece. I don’t have to write another one now for ages (this bit is aimed at Greenie).
Keep watching and Go Eagles. Or something as American and cringey as that.